February 10, 2008

To my philandering lover.

Dear Bill,

I seem to have you on my mind quite a bit lately. In a way I am taking a risk that you might even remember me. In 1983 between my junior and senior years in college you started to make your move on me. I was stupid enough to trust you . I told my counselor last week by now you are almost seventy. You are an old man. Of course I am no longer 21, I am 45. It still doesn’t make sense. When I first found the courage to talk to her about you, she described our relationship as incestuous. She said a married man the age of my father who pursues a young woman less then half his age and who knew better is predatory. She said you probably had issues yourself that I could not have known about. I know she is right. I still think about you almost every day of my life. I still frequently yearn for your touch. The fact that you still have that much power over me is unreal. It makes sense in a way. You had a lot of experience. I had little. I have known no other lover as good as you. Unfortunately, I never really got to discover pure physical love with the one I have chosen to spend my life with. No, you and I stole that from him. We were partners in a crime of physical passion the likes I have not known since.

Do you remember me? Did you really care for me the way you seemed to at the time? For some reason the answer to these questions is important to me. We would talk for hours. By phone, mail, or face to face. Its probably a good thing that cell phones, e-mail and instant messenger were not invented yet. In you I thought I had found someone who would listen to me, love me, and make me feel special. You seemed to do all of that. At the time I never thought it was strange that a man more then twice my age would care so much about a 21 year old college kid. Oh yeah, forgot to mention your marital status and that you had children my age or older. To your credit you never talked badly about your wife. You talked about her very little. I do thank you for that. It has helped with my guilt.

I will never forget the night you told me you had come home the night before to a candle light dinner. She had asked you if there was someone else. You snickered and said you told her no. That was the first time I realized that I was “the other woman.” I really didn’t understand it all. I was a college senior trying to enjoy my last year of school, having fun with my friends. I was just trying to figure out what I wanted to do after for a job when I graduated. Like much of my life you were not part of the plan. You changed the way I have looked at relationships. One of my friend’s husbands cannot give me a friendly hug without chills going down my spine. I am fat and ugly now, and I somehow think I could be a threat to another marriage.

I won’t even get into what our little tryst did to my marriage. Our rolls in the hay still hold a mental image in my head I can’t seem to forget. Sometimes it/a still your face over me. Sometimes I wish it was you. You made me feel such deep physical passion. I had never felt anything like this before. Not with the sloppy boys I had been with. Yes you had been around, I realize now just how experienced you were. . Now sadly I have to admit that after I left you probably found someone else. There was nothing special about me in your heart. I shared that with my counselor during a session. She pointed that fact out to me. The way I described our parting. It was like more salt being rubbed into the gaping wound you left on my heart. You used me, and you knew better.

Do you understand that I trusted you? I thought you just wanted a friend. Yes, I share some guilt here. I did flirt with you and pursue some of the relationship. I knew you were a ladies man. I told someone I wanted to find out what it was about you. Well, I found out. I got more then I asked for. You were good. You didn’t touch me for a long time. You took your time moving in. You knew there was risk involved. We talked for hours on end before you showed up at my dorm. Even then you courted me to some extent. Then you moved in for the kill. Granted I had finished most of a gallon of cheap wine by the end of that night. I would have let you lay me in the middle of the street. You seemed to think it was charming. Sometime early on, before you went too far you pulled away and mournfully told me it was easier for the man. You could just get up dust yourself off and roll away. It was different for a woman, the risk was higher. You were scared of getting me pregnant. You were right. The risk was very high. I have felt the ramifications for over twenty years. No I didn’t get pregnant. I have carried a memory of a time I still can’t forgive myself for. The woman caught in Adultery. Yes, Jesus said he forgave her. He also told her to sin no more. Do you think you were the only one who moved on? I didn’t see you often during that year, and between your visits I spent many weekends looking for someone to jump in bed with. I needed someone to fill the void. No, you didn’t fill it either. You made the empty whole in my soul larger. In fact I think you stole my soul. It has never been the same, no matter how hard I work to hide it.

I am sure that as I travel through my journey there will be more letters to you. I want to forget, and can’t. I want to call you and think better of it. My counselor made the comment the other day that maybe you had lived a life of consequences. I don’t wish that on you. I have found my true love since I left you. I truly believe that. Unfortunately, because of us, I have suffered a life of consequences.

Ronnie

The Lyrics of this Elton John Song say it best:
Don't wish it awayDon't look at it like it's foreverBetween you and me I could honestly sayThat things can only get betterAnd while I'm away Dust out the demons insideAnd it won't be long before you and me runTo the place in our hearts where we hideAnd I guess that's why they call it the bluesTime on my hands could be time spent with youLaughing like children, living like loversRolling like thunder under the coversAnd I guess that's why they call it the bluesJust stare into spacePicture my face in your handsLive for each second without hesitationAnd never forget I'm your manWait on me girlCry in the night if it helpsBut more than ever I simply love youMore than I love life itself

Too bad I was never able to dust out the demons inside, they are still alive and well
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